Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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