i think my tv is drunk
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
