DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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