I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
