just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
