The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
