You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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