new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
