I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
