My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
