My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
