Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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