At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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