Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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