Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
