Pants 0. Shit 1.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
