I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
