Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
