after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
