Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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