I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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