You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
