Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
