I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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