I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
