I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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