i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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