Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
