I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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