tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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