dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
