I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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