i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
