i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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