just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
