that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
