6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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