I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
