isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
