There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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