If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
