Too much gin, very little bucket
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
