You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
