he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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