i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
