Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wish you could order shots online.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
