he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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