You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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