like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
