she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
