Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
